The little house sparrows keep oscillating from the bush out front to the ledge of the roof. Occasionally their wings all flutter at the same moment resulting in a sound that almost resembles sudden rainfall. The coffee was pretty good this morning, I quite like the one I got from the local co-op. … … It sure is busy this morning. I spoke with Ainsley on Facetime for what started out as a conversation about hollandaise sauce. I haven’t got a clue how to make it, but I’ve substituted with a mixture of mayonnaise, mustard, and vinegar a few times. We chatted about plants, settling into our new spaces and places. I was reminded about the similarities here with home, but also the differences. Its neat how close these birds are.

I’ve been struggling lately with some sexual frustration. The apps don’t help at all, in fact they exacerbate the feeling. I want to have casual fun with someone without all the hangups of ego or insecurities. I also can’t seem to figure out why guys on the apps aren’t interested in me. The attention I get in person is totally different from the attention I get online. It seems I get flirted with weekly out in public, but on the apps, its pretty radio silent. There’s a very attractive man who works out at Wes with me, who happens to be the leader/chair of the queer organization for employees. He’s charming and attractive in such a way that I’d let him have his way with me, whatever that may mean. Unfortunately though, he also happens to be the dean of the umbrella my job falls under. Not an appropriate situation. The whole concept of appropriate social dynamics based on career/professional status is completely maddening to me. I think often of bonobos and how sex is so casual for their species. I think of sex in a similar fashion, but also understand the feeling of a deeper connection to someone after such an act has been had. The trouble is, that connection to many people tends to be pursued as isolated and monogamous. However, so many people are familiar with dating and having had exes and having had sex with those exes. Therefore people are comfortable with the concept of having many relationships, but the fact of having many at once is the hangup. Why is it that we can’t oscillate from the bush to the roof like birds on the roof. We can’t be in two places at once, but we can enjoy the sun as it lights different spaces. We can accept the peace and serenity that comes with diversity.